I love and I always envisioned my love life. My first relationship was when I was 19 years and we had dated for two years. We had beautiful moments with few misunderstanding and we cut in short because of genotype incompatibility. I was AC and he was AS, we had to break up but we loved each other genuinely. We just remained friends and moved on.
I was walking from the library to Moremi hostel at the University of Lagos when I met Folarin. He was a second year PhD student and I was in my 4th year. I got tired working on my thesis and still reading for exams. We met on the road and he helped with laptops and heavy books I had borrowed from the library. He suggested we relax first at the popular Moremi love garden at the hostel extension before going in. He immediately started a conversation with me which made me feel relaxed and then offered to help me with my thesis. It was friendship at first and it was beautiful. He helped me with my thesis and its references, he often will call at 4am so that I will go and read in the common room. That was my best semester as I had a 5.0 C.GP having distinctions in all my courses.
I was awaiting my NYSC when I decided to say YES to Folarin. I remember giving him affirmative response and he was so happy. Our first 6 months were amazing with few misunderstandings as it should be. We would talk often, go on dates, play like children, tell him about my fears, worries, childhood and traumas. I noticed he often clenched his fists when we were arguing and would sometimes, shout. He usually apologised later with words of affirmation and gifts (my love languages). My boss at my PPA dropped me at his place one day since they were living in the same environment. He was angry and I explained to him that I entered the car because we were coming to the same place. I left him in the living and went to the kitchen to prepare something for him to eat and I received a slap from behind. As I turned to face him, I received another one and I saw galaxy of stars with headache following. I took a chair in his dinning and just sat down to get my balance. I was dumbfounded and thinking of various things at the same time. He looked at me scornfully, told me to prepare Egusi soup and he went to watch football. I found my legs and went straight to the kitchen to prepare the food, served him and I left him.
He called after few days to tell me he has forgiven me and I told him thank you. He later told me to come to his house and I found myself leaving my house to go to his place. He never apologised and we just moved on from there. Slaps graduated to beatings to being admitted in the hospitals and I kept on going back to him. I met people for advice and they told me almost all women experience violence domestically. I could not go to my parents because we did not have a good relationship. I visited an aunt and she told me she has been receiving beatings for the 35 years she has been married and her marriage is happy. I just accepted my beatings as down times in relationship.
Three years after, I was working as an investment banker and was still going through domestic abuse in my relationship. I was gisting with my colleague one day and I just randomly spoke about abuse. I did not realise I was speaking for a long time as my colleague was just staring in disbelief. He told me I needed therapy and I declined. I lost a six-month pregnancy due to beatings and just went to my colleagues’ house from the hospital. He applied for one month leave for me immediately, took care of me and dropped me off at the therapist the next day. I was in the therapist’s office every day for two weeks before going on vacation. I was also attending therapy virtually during my vacation. I appreciated nature, met people and had amazing fun. I was promoted at work to a different country, I picked my passport, few clothes and moved on to a different country. I did not even bother breaking off my relationship, I just healed and moved on.
It has been years, I am married now. I randomly remember some of these events and I am grateful I am no longer in that position.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS NOT NORMAL. SEEK HELP!!!
Arogi Trauma Care Foundation (ATCF) is like the silver lining in a dark cloud, making free counselling and therapy accessible to traumatised individuals, bringing healing to those who are hurting and helping people lift up burdens of pain, Read More>>