The Power to Harm and Heal
“Fire can warm or consume, water can quench or drown, wind can caress or cut. And so it is with human relationships: we can both create and destroy, nurture and terrorize, traumatize and heal each other” – Bruce D. Perry
Bruce D. Perry’s vivid metaphor captures the elemental duality at the heart of interpersonal connection. Just as natural forces contain both benevolent and destructive potential, our relationships hold the capacity to foster growth or inflict lasting damage. Recognizing this ambivalence is essential for both clinicians guiding trauma recovery and for anyone seeking to cultivate healthier bonds.
At the most fundamental level, relationships function as regulatory forces on the developing brain. When caregivers mirror a child’s emotional state with sensitivity, like a gentle wind that caresses, they co‑regulate arousal and support the maturation of neural circuits governing stress response and emotional balance. Conversely, unpredictable or frightening interactions, akin to a sudden gale that cuts, can dysregulate the nervous system, embedding patterns of hypervigilance, dissociation, or chronic anxiety. Over time, these embodied responses become self‑reinforcing, shaping how individuals perceive safety, trustworthiness, and their own worth.
The fire analogy further illuminates relational dynamics in adulthood. A supportive mentor or partner can ignite passion, purpose, and creative drive—providing the warmth and energy necessary for personal transformation. Yet that same dynamic, when tainted by criticism, neglect, or coercion, may scorch self-esteem and leave survivors grappling with shame or learned helplessness. Similarly, communal relationships—family, social circles, workplaces—can either nourish growth like life‑giving water or drown individual voices in conformity, exclusion, or systemic harm.
Importantly, Perry’s metaphor underscores the responsibility inherent in all relationships. Just as we respect environmental forces by attending to their power, we must cultivate relational awareness: understanding how our words, gestures, and emotional landscapes impact others. Trauma‑informed approaches encourage us to ask not only “What happened to you?” but also “What is happening for you now in this relationship?” This shift places emphasis on relational safety, creating contexts in which vulnerability need not lead to retraumatization.
Finally, the dual nature of elemental metaphors reminds us that healing follows the same principles as harm. The warmth of mutual empathy can dissolve icy defenses; the gentleness of attuned listening can erode the walls of isolation; the steady flow of consistent support can carry survivors from the depths of despair toward renewed vitality. In acknowledging that human relationships possess both the power to wound and to heal, we empower ourselves to choose actions that foster resilience, restore trust, and kindle hope, turning potential catalysts of trauma into agents of transformation.
Adedeji Odusanya
Odusanya Adedeji A., is a Licensed & Certified Clinical Psychologist whose domain of expertise cuts across management of specific mental health issues such as, Depression, PTSD, Anxiety & Anxiety related disorders, Substance Use Disorder, etc
